MZUNI GOSSIP

It is not difficult to give a desciription of myself but it I find it rather hard to have to tell you what I did last Friday.

You see I am wierdly bearded and have a tendency of being found in the company of ladies. Ladies I dont sleep with! I dont know why but people call me the dean of 'kutchatitsa'. If you see me today then I will probably be carrying a present-bag which will surely contain memory stix. Mn mn mn it looks like I have given myself away.

Anyway, on Friday I was so sozzled to the bone I could not find the way to my room on my own. Mwa mwayi I was shown the way by a friend who had been out drinking with me.

This is becoming hard but when I entered my room I felt the need to go to the loo. I told my matio kuti amwene I gatta use the bathroom. So what did I do? Ndinapita ku toilet.

I walked out of my room and out of my hostel but hey I did not see the thoyazi! I kept walking only to find myself ku LA. What was I wearing? You are asking , right? Well, I was wearing a t-shirt and nothing else.

Did girls see me? Unfortunately yes, two boys and two girls (forestry) but the the good thing is they did not alert their friends.

So what did I do next?

Comment on this story and I will tell you the rest.

We would like to apologise for posting the picture entitled 'we all make mistakes'.

We are aware that it is pornographic and therefore not good for our eyes.

We know that this website is visited by people of different tastes and as such some of us might find it offensive.

You may wish to know that the website is run by five people who have access to the password of the blog and it was agreed that when one would like to make a posting then they must first have the consent of all the administrators. In the case of the posting in question, one member took it in their hands and we have since sacked him and changed the password of the blog. Meaning? You will never see pornographic material on this blog again.

Once again we apologise for the pain that the posting has caused.

Administrators.

That Namafuleya doesnt like dancing is a fact that can not be contraverted. That he does not know how to dance is something that I dont know. I dont care whether or not he knows how to dance. But one thing will, for sure, remain unchallenged! He was nowhere near his erstwhile (the talkative and hairy thing!) the day we had a disco in the main hall.

Five weeks ago there was a disco in the hall and the girl in question danced the night away with her ex's best friend. We aint surprised that the two people are still friends but it appears that things have taken a new turn.

Listen to this;

Namafuleya broke up with his hairy girlfriend last year and all his friends knew about it. Now, this semester Namafuleya and his ex almost made up but was advised against it by one of his friends. You know the guys who occupy the hostel that is to the right as we are going to LA!

Be reminded that Namafuleya is the guy in 'And he said ndinamugona ka 8...' story.

We have been made to believe that the hairy girl is now going out with Namafuleya's best friend. Infact, she is going out with the guy who blocked her re-union with Namafuleya! And they have made love love more than a mere 8 times!

When Namafuleya learned about the deception he did not hesitate to confront his best friend;

'E ee sh amwene do you recognise the faces in the picture?' Namafuleya asked.

'The one standing is me, and the other guy is em u um umn you!' the unfaithful friend answered.

'But you were a good friend, you were like my brother. How can you do such a thing to me ee?' Namafuleya demanded.

Advice: Never trust your friend too much (as to tell him how wicked your girl is, in bed) for if you break up with your girl he might be the new suitor!

So what did Namafuleya do? He decided to try his luck ku kosovo. The girl? Well the karonga girl who is vayi-ng for a post in MUSU. Inu ujayi woonda, wakuda uja.

Answer? I iiiiiii ndiye ndaphwekatu ndi inu nomwe kundifuna?

Fornication is a sin!

We are in the boardroom. There are at least six of us. We are here for a disciplinary hearing of a sexual harassment case involving two yearos.

The defendant looks like he could do with a bath while the chick looks like she has spent three weeks herding cattle.

One of us stands up and says: "Ladies and gentlemen gathered here, standing before us is a first year student accused of sexually harassment. Perhaps we should start by giving you a small biography of the accused.

Mr. Accused has been at Mzuni for less than 6 weeks. He, upon arriving at Mzuni, used to tell his friends that he was a parallel student at the Poly and was into marketing! What? Yes, that’s what he was telling his friends. Akuti anali wa parallel koma amapanga marketing! Evening classes? Don’t ask me.

The accused is a devout catholic and when he went to the lake three weeks ago he was seen in the company of some junior. It is said that they were acting lovey-dovey and all was good until the boy learned about a page called mzuni gossip. When the guy accessed the said page he learnt all the dirty things, chizonono, mabomu, chindoko etc that the girl once contracted. That marked the demise of their relationship. In other words, he was saved!

Ladies and gentlemen, on the said day the defendant was in his room when he heard a knock on the door. He opened only to find the plaintiff in the doorway. He let her in and after a couple of minutes the defendant asked the girl to leave but she never listened to his calls.

You may wish to know that these guys have been acquaintances for 4 weeks and they always had supper together.

From what we’ve been told, the guy, after some minutes of trying to convince the girl, asked the girl to have sex with him. ‘Couchez avec moi. Si vous plait’ (Lets have sex), the guy continued to ask the girl, but she shook her head, noooo. ‘Then leave my room’, the boy asked. To the boy’s surprise, she made no attempt to leave.

We have been told that the fact that the girl could not leave the room of this guy propelled him to continue asking the girl for sex. Ladies and gentlemen, it is only normal to ganiza that panoza afanawa anali atatota heavy!

So what did he do next? He forced his way into the pussy (possibly tight) of the girl. Did he wear a condom? I can hear you asking. Well, the guys are here, they will tell us!

Let me stop here. If you have questions you can ask”

Friends, students, country men! We want you to know that however hard you try to cow us we shall not buckle under some stupid and empty threats.

Zoophyezana zinapita ndi a Kamuzu!

Mukapitiliza uchitsilu nafenso tizakuyalusani! Mudzatimenya! Mudzatipanda! Koma as long as tili ndi ndalama yolipilira internet sitidzasiya kukulembani! Munya! Muphwisa kuti mpwiiii!!!!

We want to create a scandal-free environment at this institution ndipo ngati mupitiridze doing *** you will, and I can put my money on it, continue to appear on this page!

There is someone who has been threatening to beat us up but when we meet them in the corridors they smile at us! Shame!

We are here to stay! We are here to put the kibosh on foolish behavior!

Mabvuto Banda and several other journalists were arrested, beaten up, man handled ... Ask me where they are today? Thats why we hold diplomas in journalism!

Ask an investigative reporter what their job entails!

If you think we should stop running this page the let us know by commenting on this post or by writing to mzunigossip@yahoo.co.uk (We will stop if it is in the interest of the whole student body).

Thanx.

Folks, listen to us! We want you to lend us your ears. We want you to listen and please listen good!

We had wanted to keep this website out of 'personal' issues but hey some of these things just cant go without attracting a comment from us, the observant souls!

We begin by reporting that over the weekend several things came to the attention of the administrator;

1. You may recall the guys who were involved in the 'LEAN ON ME' saga. Well, they were at it again at the weekend! It is said that the two picked up a quarrel and they shouted obsenities at one another before exchanging blows. Guys it was hot! Right now the guy cant lose his cap coz he has a cut mmutu! Man! How did it happen? Well, stay tuned!

2. Remember the banana-haired yearo? Well, she aint spotting that hair style anymore. Do you wonna know whats up with her? Well, we will keep you posted. There is a guy who is fat-faced and has chick in third year. He has a f*k mate in year folo and has, for four weeks, been in the company of the banana-haired yearo. Well, you wont be seeing them together. Why? I can hear you asking. Well, it is because when the guy went there for a night in the chick's bed he um eh um a a ah em wasted the sheets of the girl! Wasted? What does that mean? Well, it is a polite way of saying he peed in the sheets of the girl! Anakodzebwa pa bedi pa mkazi! When time came for him to leave she said, and I quote, "Thanx for everything but dont ever come here again. Never talk to me again, you are a disgrace to the men-folk". Does this explain why the guy's chick was in the common room on saturday drinking like fish? I hear the guy was telling his friends that he has three f**k mates at this institution, should we say that he and ex are back in the bonking business? Who said there is no smoke without fire?

3. Koma akulu akulu tiyeni tichepetse ukali? How can a dude leave his girl, a tall-mother-of- one, and spend the night in some yearos room. What was chick doing? She was in bed with the owner of ***** disco. You know him, right?

But guys let us remember that having multiple partners increases the 'chances' of contracting the virus. Aids has no cure. Let us abstain or atleast use condoms (even if they are not 100% ***) .

Bye for now!

Little wonder men think that there shall come a time when women will wear nothing at all!

Check out the picture above!

Dear administrator,

Saturday, 6th may
I have been following your website since its inception and to say the least, I am impressed. I like the way you tackle issues and how you give us pieces of advice. You are like a parent to some of us.

Perhaps you are wondering who I am? Well I am a well-known imbiber and spend most of my time burning money in the common room. I want to let people know what has been happening in the common room the last two weeks. This is how everything happened!

I was standing, alone, at the counter when it came to my attention that there was a rather odd-looking pair in the common. I glanced their way and I wasn’t surprised to see the guy winking at me. I winked back. Where the hell is her boyfriend? I asked myself.

Two minutes later, the guy bought three tokens. Let me break it down; one pool token and two jukebox tokens. I looked on. I saw them walk, hand in hand, to the jukebox insert a token and in no time the song ‘lean on me’ started playing.

The two people started dancing and lo and behold they started kissing! What’s more they were drinking from the same glass. Where the hell is her boyfriend? I ask.

I have already told you that I am a good imbiber so I was in the common up to around 2am. All this time it was the girl who was buying beer while the guy took long gulps in readiness for what happened later that morning. The two people left and it is rumored that they whiled away the last hours of the morning in the girl’s room (ku kosovo). Another rumor had it that the guy was seen leaving kosovo around 10 am. Where the hell was her boyfriend?

Later that day it became apparent that the hot-blooded girl had sought the company of the yearo tchuwa due to the fact that her boyfriend had walked out on her. In fact, the guy has been chasing different skirts since we opened this semester. What he is doing is useless! Everything is useless. Read the book of Ecclesiastes.

Saturday, 13th may
The girl and her ‘ex’ were back together and were seen in the café eating from the same plate. What the hell has happened to that one-night stander? I asked.

Now ladies and gentlemen this is the part I liked most. I was in the common room when the girl and her boyfriend walked in. I looked around for the girl's one-night stander but he was no where to be seen. The pair started drinking with the guy drinking his favorite, special.

All was well until the girl's one-night stander, a yearo-tchuwa, joined us in the kommonz. He went straight ku counter and bought two juke-box tokens. The first song that he played was 'Dilemma' the second, I was not even interested in it!

'No matter what I do all I think about is you even when I'm with my boo all ....' were the words that were coming out of the speakers. To nobody's surprise, the pair started dancing and in no time they were kissing much to the dismay of the one-stander.

We then saw him walk up to the barman, talk to him and the next thing we realised, the jukebox was switched off.

'Inde, amanama angamavine nyimbo yoika iwe, iweyo ukubisala?' someone cried.

'Kodi iwe tiziti after kugona ndi munthu kamodzi kanakugwetsa n'chikondi? ' another person asked.

The guy walked out of the common and did not return until very late that day.

Falling in love is useless. Looking for love is useless. It is like chasing the wind!

It makes us sick to the stomach to imagine that we stayed away from classes because of 10 computers! We are not saying that it was not a good move kuti we should force them to buy the computers but when I sat down, did a little arithmetic it would appear that we have been cheated!

Check this out!

There are 24 hours in a day. So having 10 computers means we have a maximum of 240 hours to access the computers. Now 240 x60 gives 14400 minutes.

OK! Since there are about 600 0f us we divide 14400 by 600 to get 24 minutes.

What does this mean?

Asssuming;
1. There are no classes.
2. One does not eat.
3. One does not go to the library.
4. One does not go to the bathroom.
5. One does not chat with their friends.
6. One does not sleep
7. Everyone has an equal opportunity of using the machines
8. One does nothing but spend their time in the computer lab.

Then they can only use the computers for 24 minutes. And what can we do in 24 minutes?

Okay, lets factor in these other parameters.

There are 24 hours in a day and;
1. One is in class for atleast 4 hours a day.
2. Breakfast, Lunch and Supper takes up 1 hour.
3. One has to be in the library for 4 hours (at least).
4. To find info. on the internet, one needs Ok lets just say 1 hour.
5. Lets say everyone needs 4 hours of kugona.
6. One has to prepare (go to the loo, take a shower, relax) for 1 hour.

This gives a total of 15 hours. So to a normal student their days do not have 24 hrs but 9
(24-15) hours. So 10 (computers) x 9 hours = 90hrs.

In a day we all have 5400 min (90x60) that we can spend in the computer lab. Each one of us has, assuming equal chance, 9 minutes(5400/600) to spend on a computer.

But lets not despair. Some of us have laptops in our rooms so you can always use them.

We pat mzuni management on its back for buying the computers (Did we have to stage a sit-in?).

To those without memory sticks; you can buy one (256MB equivalent to 177 floppies) in town at a price less than K 5000. Stationery allowance. He he he de ulu!!!!!

I will be baffled if someone out there disagrees that we are living in a sex age. Westerners call this age the computer age but with the facts below we would rather consider Mzuni to be in a sex age rather than the computer age.

One who was by the common room Friday to Monday (during the sit in) will agree with me that our libido level is soaring high that if we do not keep it in check then something bad (matenda e.g chisonono, mabomu, chindoko, kaliwondewonde, AIDS etc) will befall our beloved institution.

I mean how could a girl, a yearo, sleep with two men in one night?

How could a girl, a finale, kiss and … two men in a space of ten minutes?

I did not think it was possible but it is rumored that some girl (a finale) enticed some guy into sleeping with her (it happened!).

How could a dude leave the comfort of his girl’s room in kandahar where the matio can be sent into exile and decide to have one round too many ku ma house?

This really is Sodom. How could, you won’t believe this, a finale (boy) bonk two, not unattractive, girls within a space of fifteen minutes? How? Tell me how? We are told the finale has two bedmates. One has a phone while other is too chimidzi she cant own a phone let alone know how to operate one! So what the guy does is; he flashes the matio of the girl without a phone, when it’s her turn to be bonked! So what does the other girl think? You know research yavuta ma kompyuta asowa so I will be typing my ngini mu room mwa uje. And the unsuspecting yearo falls for it!

Talk of having multiple partners! You know some guys have all the luck. They are good looking. They have driving licenses. They have a fat bank account. They have computers in their rooms. So these guys are using their worldly possessions to the fullest …The guy we are talking about should learn that masiku ano avuta. Kuli matenda osiyana siyana. We do not want the government to lose its money by subsidizing the fees of people who will die 2 years after graduating. Ayi ayi ayi chepesani ukali! How can you have bedmates in all the levels? Munthu mmmodzi koma zibwenzi thoo. Ati china chopita nacho ku common room, china chopita nacho ku café, china ku church, china ku disco ya ku hotelo, china chopita nacho ku kagwentha, china chopita nacho kumwamba?

Let us be serious. Times are hard. Let us abstain! Condoms are dodgy. Amaphulika!

I would like to register my sincere apologies to individual whose name appears in a comment attached to the story entitled "It was a sexual weekend". Let it be known to you all that he is not in any way part and parcel of Mzuni Gossip administration.

In addition, the author of the comment may wish to know that he is still a Mzuni MSc student. He is still working on his MSc thesis and as such the information contained in the comment that he finished his studies way back is untrue.

More importantly, you may all like to know that the issues tackled on this site are a brain child of one individual. They are actually e-mailed to us from members of the Mzuni community and for this reason it is rather weird to point fingers at an individual, if anything point fingers at the whole community who confide in us the issues addressed on this page.

My sincere apologies to him once again. He is just as wise as you are or as ignorant as you are on the composition of Mzuni Gossip administration.

We had cash.We had cheddah. We had mbo, mbo, I mean mbongo. We had starch. We had dough. In all, we were loaded.

But were we loaded with condoms? Did we use them?

We would rather call the social weekend we have just had a sexual weekend due to the numerous sexual encounters that people had on that day (saturday). That the disco was one of the hottest in years is a fact that only a nerd can contravert.

The disco not only marked the return of DJ Flexafoam it also initiated yearos into the kugonana business. I tell you not less than 3 yearos had sex with continuing students and more than seven contis had sex among themselves (we talking 14 people) this might look like an exaggeration but why dont you sit tight as I tune you with all the details.

1. Remember the guy who infected his girlfriend with some curable STI? He slept with that banana-haired yearo. Only if she knew!

2. The ex-... of musu spent the night with two not unattractive ladies in his room. Did he bonk them all? I dont know.

3. Remember the ex-girlfriend of namafuleya? She had sex with namafuleya's best friend right in the hall.

4. The masitazi guy was seen leaving the hall with "the receptionist".

5. Two yearos were caught making love panja pa library. Prof. Uta should consider planting CCtv even outside the library to see what happens outside his beloved titanic.

6. Do you the good looking guys? They have a crew and you know what they do right?dThey drink together! Three of them slept with fellow contis while one of them talked a yearo into sleeping with him everything was tight until she left for the loo where she was warned off the libidinous yearo molester.

7. A finale (girl) anagonana ndi yearo. Talk of mwana wa n'gombe kukula ndi chikoti!

Watch this space for more.