MZUNI GOSSIP

When I first read of the scandal involving the second in-command in MUSU in the Mzuni Post, a single question kept on confusing me: why can the minister undress his own boss in broad day light? Some of you may say aaah zimachitika izi! But have you ever heard of the whole Kaliati undressing Bingu before the eyes of Malawians, that is if at all it happens away from our eyes and ears. Na in Malawian or African politics nzovuta kuchitika. Unless it was BBC versus Blair, VOA against Bush or Canal versus Chirac. Those of you who are not conservatives in such issues like me, you wont side with me until you hear this:

The mkangano between them is long standing. I hear they have been fighting for similar ‘dokos’ for along time. More than Thrice they have collided at mahouse . The latest being over this off-campus lady (am yet to see her) who has made news headlines recently. It was one afternoon, as the minister was escorting the fortunate lady to her home when they met the am the government guy just outside the varsity gate akuchokera ku town I presuppose. This only made things worse as each of them had already heard of the other’s advancements.

I do not know what happens when they meet in the corridors, ayi koma ku ma cabinet meetings. Look out for the next edition of Mzuni Post, the minister should be planning good things to hit the boss; za life is mu L. F. ndiye sindinganene.

But all in all, we need to applaud the minister for having made everything public. Imeneyo ndiye ntchito yako. You would make a good Minister of Information, at least to change our budding African democracy for the better.

DID YOU KNOW THAT?
· The am the goverment guy told aja anaba ma F-Drive the same phrase?
· a certain yearo is on record to have heard the vice mention ‘am the government remember’ about 10 times on different instances?
· Ma guy a kuba aja anakagwada kwa a VC atawathamangitsa mmayeso? Wakupusisani am the government!
· Some good intentioned fellows were agitating for the impeachment of the whole union had it gone ahead with its fight to persuade Administration to lessen the punishment given to akubawa?
· The HAMAS Crew has a personal file of each student that once you provoke it your dark side is likely to make hidelines?
· A certain yearo generic girl (wa dread la malines aakulu) has been unanimously voted to be the most unstable girl of the month (her CV: one-night stand ndi mnyamata uja ankamnamizira kuti amlemba za mzunigossip; kambirimbiri ndi mnyamata wa átoti’; dzanali ndi….panopa ndi….)
· Anyamata a energy akungowapusitsa ma sophomores wa?
· The guy who knocked at a staff’s house was the one who made funny acts in the cubicle in the Hall during the political debates for MUSU elections?

Of late the campus has been circulated with the so called new magazine “Mzuni Post” on which the new publications crew, headed by the infamous Director of Publications and Publicity, would want to capitalize upon and get undeserved fame by unwittingly attacking innocent people, Hamas inclusive. This article therefore serves to inform the whole Mzuni community the force that have driven these devilish and heathen beings by giving you the chance to know their other sides (for the two people, the Director of Publications and the Editor in Chief). The two of you, (hopefully you will come to read this precious piece of work) should know that mwaputa zachabe coz we spare nobody when compelled to do so, you have declared war and in war there are casualties on both sides, for sure you will bear more consequences than ourselves. Mind you this is only the beginning of the start

ON HAMAS

Hamas is a sovereign crew that is very peaceful and only responds when provoked, like this provocation, in the quest to defend ourselves, we will attack. For your own information, the crew possesses a lot of intelligentsia ranging from Philosophers, Theologians, Historians, Geographers, Linguists, Scientists and many others, this entails that it has a broader spectrum of information not only academic but on the campus as well. Let us make it clear here that we are not involved in Utsoki as falsefully presented in the Mzuni post

THE OTHER SIDE OF THE DIRECTOR OF PUBLICATIONS AND PUBLICITY

He produced a condom instead of a meal coupon at Chancellor College cafeteria during the MUTAG/ Writers Forum trip

Adaphulitsa mkazi kwawo, akuti mwangozi, as if there are no Zishango and Manyuchi, as if not a university student worth the name

Adalumidwa mkono ndi a girl (Rhoda) as the girl was attempting to defend herself when the director attempted to rape her (he deserves expulsion) izi ndi zenizeni.

He is fond of kugwa mchikondi mombwambwana kapena kuti modedeluka.

He wanted to commit suicide when he was unceremoniously dumped by a Form one pupil from Luwinga private Secondary School (Rhoda).

He underwent Jando ceremony during the past holiday in anticipation of a bash of f**king Mayaro only to be met by rebuffs and being snatched.

Ndimbuli good at downloading works to publish so-called books without acknowledging the source.

He watches Kolimba every Friday and relieves himself by kubunyula out of frustrations that he has been snatched and rebuffed.

THE OTHER SIDE OF THE EDITOR IN CHIEF

Rebuffed by a LA lady and wrote Chibaluwa Kwa mahope in Luwinga Focus and now in a nom du plume is still nursing the wounds through Mzuni in verse.

Booted out of seminary because of Kuphulitsa three girls in a space of a month.

He was caught red-handed bunyularing by a man of God (grace be upon him)

He was also notoriously known for raining obscenities at a Priest after a tot of Kachasu , yake ija amakonda ija.


ICHI MCHIYAMBI CHABE, HAMAS WILL ALWEZ HIT BACK WHENEVER NEED ARISE. BLOOD FOR BLOOD; RESISTANCE FOR VIOLENCE, SOMETIMES ITS GOOD TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FIRE!!!

Posted by; The Congregation of the Defense of the Hamas Crew

Remember how the world cup ended? Of late the Mzuni students have realized that what great football players do are only an emulation of their deeds. Do you know Zinedine Zidane who is one of great footballers of this generation ? This great footballer tried to do exactly what the person who was voted the most popular student at Mzuni did thus head butting his friend as he tried to get hold of a creature they both treasured. Inde chinacho ndi chikho but the organizers of the dinner clarified that this creature was one of the atithandize and not a finale. Anyway kususuka sikuona maonekedwe and being a finale. World cup woyee Zizou again woyee. The Mzuni community is again sorry since the face of Matterazi has been tarnished especially this other side of his good looking eyes as he claims. Ati adachi….zovota. Any way he is already becoming a step father and hence we hope this son can not inherit the scar or else he should try to reach the world cup finals.

Guys, trads, mayoo, mfiti, ang’anga, mahule, maborn again, ma skirt chaser, non believers, ma ture, a mambala, amatama, azeze, a matron, a maudindo, ambuli, maphathe, anzeru, zikhwaya, ambava ndi ena nonse apa mzuni.Do you know this other executive member who has just had a feel of kugwira pa chivasi? He has assumed the role of the matron. I hear he has allocated amai athu a certain room kaya nku mahausi we don’t know. You have done a good job receive our messages of appreciation. Komabe posenza mattress you could have hired me at least at a fee less than ya manyuchi. Achina Mtikomola get yourselves lovers or else you will remain day scholars for the rest of your stay at this institution. Makhwana if it were not for your wise decision bwenzi zikumakhala za muntengo. And just imagine an executive member of your status at this campus. Any way you were only trying to exercise the powers of your office on behalf of the matron. Thank the office a good number of the executive members have found themselves in love with these house girls. We hope and pray that the one who writes down minutes during the meetings will not try to enter another girl by force again as he did when he was not in the office

Word form an impeccable source says Mzuni's controversil crew, HAMAS, is expected to make an official statement on this web as regards events that have surrounded its activities recently. those who are trying to bite its tail are said to face its wrath.

get it or hate it, let us wait for next week as among other things, the statement is expected to reveal who are the real culprits in the saga that happened at mahouse. i hear the newly introduced Mzuni Post is also targetted by the group. hopefully the guys are not up for some troubles.

Dear administrator.

I used to attach no credence to the theory of evolution, but damn! That stuff must be damned real. Why? Well coz of the wild behavior that has over-taken some Mzuni community members. Come every morning we hear lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of nasty stuff not befitting humans happening around; lean on me, 3rd year gal being done the deed by his ex’s best friend who actually orchestrated the relationship’s terminal and has been discouraging the ex from making it up to the gal, gal contracts STGs (Sexually Transmitted Grades, wamasitazi uja watafuna ka yaro kenanso, gal entertains two usiku umodzi, some fellas have it off outside the library, ana a yaro ashowana, a final year gal dumps a used condoms in the corridor with ngini momwemo after a heavy night of being rigorously and vigorously “torn apart”…..

This wild behavior is definitely wild, not human and hence a sure sign that we’re evolving back to animals. I know your reaction will be “we don’t care”, but that’s what wild animals do. They just don’t care how often, where, how, with how many they do it. Ever seen dogs in their mating season? They just don’t care! And if you don’t care too, well you are evolving into one of them (agalu).

Just think of this; someone having zero knowledge on how to properly deal with a condom after use- koma ndiye anamuchita kanthu, sanali myawo ameneyo?
It’s of course a fact that when you are in the act, you don’t think from the head but rather from somewhere in the groin. But please make sure that you get your head back to use immediately after, otherwise we’re bound to see more such ugly and despicable scenes.

I know you don’t care but that’s the attitude dogs have when their “parts” have been locked. Ndiye how different are from agalu? Sooner or later you’ll be walking on all fours naked and you’ll not just care coz you’ll have completely evolved.

If the male genitals were pencils enanu mukanatha ndikusongola kungotsala labala basi. On the other hand, if the male genitals were hole drillers some of these gals would sport boreholes instead. Your reaction will surely be “chikukukhudza ndi chani, we don’t care”. That’s the attitude dogs have akathinirirana!

The justice-loving finale community recently administered baptism of physical justice on the computer accessories thief, hereinafter mbava. The mbava came face-to-face with the finales’ wrath when he traded on their corns.
One possible question bothering your mind right now would be; “ What did he do that wrecked havoc with the finales’ temper?” Well here’s what happened.

The mbava had been drinking, possibly after robbing somebody of yet another electronic gadget – sunganeneretu, once a thief always one. After taking one too many the aftermaths of the drink began to unfold; he began developing verbal diarrhea, kutchola dansi yovuta to the tune of Oliver Mtukudzi certainly reminding him of Miss “Comrade”- Mugabe for shizz.

Next, he began seeing everyone around him looking synonymous to some little pieces of nothing that he let go of an important rule in the etiquette of drinking – “thou shall weigh your words lest blows will break loose”.

Next! he broke into chronic verbal diarrhea uttering the f-words uncontrollably at the finales…”F**k you finale, f**k you miserable apologies of finales!!”

And next!! The finales reaction…wow!!!!! Kumenyatu ngati akumenya wakuba, oops! I forgot that he’s already one…