MZUNI GOSSIP

Funny What a MK10,000 stationery allowance can do. It has promoted the majority from taking our usual drink –kachasu-,to at least a more expensive and prestigious mkontho and to others, chibuku. Thank whoever came up with this brilliant idea of increasing the allowances by a whooping 100% increase.
Anyway, an MK10 G can also rob one of one’s sight and reasoning ability. Pajatu ena tawaona akuiwala njira ya pa room and end up slumbering in a sewer infested swamp with kamulu ka chimbudzi (mavi) as pillow…..lo! abomination ooh! Fellas, what if the allowance was more than this meager 10G? Or is it ZZKU (zozionera ku ukulu) for some of us?…

A big hug, welcome, smile and ki** to the new and presumably unadulterated breed of yaro sisters. Your entry into Mzuni is undisputedly timely since another consignment that Mzuni had cherished for four years is on the verge of bumping into its expiry date. In all fairness, the majority of the items in this stock ought to have already been branded “not fit for consumption” long, long, long, long ago.

A word of advice to the expiring items; “gwidwani while the sun shines” otherwise you’ll be shocked to realise that you hardly have a market out there. More importantly kuli Skyway, Shareworld and BBC, which are havens for tabwinotabwino who do not require one to move mountains to win their hearts. Mind you if you don’t buy my advice you’ll end up falling for ogulitsa mbatata zootcha or olandira ma 5 kwacha pa zimbuzi zolipira.
By the way that sister who once demonised the guy she’s hanging out with now, seems to have bought this advice well in advance that wagwidwa with the same not-fit-to-be-my-boyfriend chap. Not a very bad move, after all a “yellow banzi” is better than no bread at all. I’m not saying the guy is a yellow banzi…

While the new sisters, fresh from factory and very far from their expiry dates, are selling like chibuku at nthochi drinking joint, I would suggest that we administer the mbajira marketing style on the finales –buy one, get two for free. I mean ukagwira finale, you get awiri a pulayizi. How about that? Otherwise they’re age-old to compete against the mouth-watering, supple, tasty, juicy new initiates.

Hurry! Hurry! while the expiring stocks last! Kupeeza mafinale!! Kupeeza third level!! Kupeeza yaro tchuwa!!! Goods as cheap as they can be! Tchipi! Tchipi! Tchipi! Ukagwira mmodzi, you get awiri a pulayizi!!!…By the way you never know, you may become “wokagona” and not “wokabisala” anymore.

The Lord during his days on earth predicted that at the dawn of end times there will be aneneri onyenga, earth quakes, inexplicable phenomena such as tsunamis, odd religious sects and so on and so forth. As a fulfilment of the Lord’s prophecy we’ve all heard of the inception of an odd religious sect whose faithfuls are alleged to engage in human blood sacrifices, engendering fatal accidents (remember the Linthipe accidents?) and all sorts of behaviours contrary to the norms of humanity. The sect known by no other less than “Satanism” is said to glorify the fallen angel Lucipher –Satan.

Rumour is rife that this religious cult is now here at Mzuni. Sources disclose that it was launched (here at Mzuni) last year in November weeks after the launch of CCAPSO. The launch is alleged to have taken place in the Lecture theatre. The majority of its followers are said to be very prominent members of the numerous religious (Christian) movements at the campus while some are hardly practising Christians.

People, why should we claim to belong to the Lord when we know in our hearts we are Satanists? Why deliberately choose eternal misery in hell? Indeed it’s not all who say Lord Lord who say it in truth.

My plea to you is that when the time comes for human blood sacrifices please don’t resort to terminating the lives of Mzuni community members. Again it’s better not to belong to any religious sect (and let God judge you on what you do, not who you belong to) than worship the devil – that’s choosing hell.

To the rest of the community, you can’t tell who the Satanist is – it could your neighbour, mesho, friend, classmate, boyfriend, girlfriend- but just know this; mukadzaona munthu akusekerera palibe nkhani kapena akuvina palibe nyimbo pakati pa usiku dabwa nayeni…..

This is serious!

Dear Mzuni Gossip Administrator. First of all let me register a pat on your back for establishing this exciting and informative page. It’s my sincere hope that it will keep Mzuni and all Mzuni graduates abreast of what is happening around this young university. However, try to keep sarcastic and slanderous articles in check, for instance the article on DJ Mzungu versus Dj Flexaform. The article had some vilifying elements which could end up wrecking havoc with the DJs’ emotions.

Mr Administrator sir, let me commend Mzuni for the new yaros who’ll soon be parading up and down the corridors of this TTC turned university. Without mincing words this is a sure sign that the university is developing but the biggest question raping my mind at the moment is, “how does the university define development?” It seems to me that the university views development in terms of numbers and not infrastructure. It’s not anything eye-catching to see that the university is operating with a thimbleful lecture rooms forcing lectures to commence at 7.45 am. With these magnified and zoomed out intakes that the university seem to cherish, lectures will soon be commencing at 3 am and run up to 2 am, affording students one hour within which they have to do assignments, mount and be mounted –lo! God forbid, buy tickets to the mental hospital (mogo) etc

It’s even more pathetic that the university is running out of hostels. Tell you what Mzuni? Kicking members of staff out of the campus so as to create accommodation for students won’t afford a long-term solution. Considering the rate at and the manner in which the university is growing – in terms of numbers -, the problem of students’ accommodation will sooner or later smack the institution in the face again. I guess then the university will resort to housing students at viyele bar, Paris nightclub, “Phwezi girls” et cetera.

Let me go back to the issue of the new chaps who’ve just passed the primary school leaving certificate exams, oops! Mayeso a folomu folo with passing marks as low as 5%. I’m talking about the new yaros of course. The taifa market has of late been heavily patronised by the dudes, mafinale in patricular, possibly to purchase some new attire kuti mwina yaro ikabwera some excited-about-being-in-college girl can fall for them. Komatu ndiye mwachedwa. All these four years Mzuni has fed you, kukutsukani and turn your illiteracy into literacy, you proved to be an unsupplementable failure in kuloledwa, do you now think that you’ll be successful this time? Heaven knows, may be it’s true that finale nkumadzulo – tionela inu.

While you’re contemplating trying your luck again do not turn a blind eye on that Coding theorist who leaves no stone unturned when it comes to taking advantage of the naïve, newly registered girls. I just can’t imagine what it is that makes the innocent ladies ignore the loads of advice from some of his “victims” and fall prey to this hot-blooded fornication theorist. I bet this time he’ll not let even a single one of them slip through his fingers. Let’s also be mindful that some lecturers also take part in wrangle for the scarce “human resource”. By the way rumour has it that the mathematician is planning to parade down the aisle and say “I do” next year. I wish the fornication theorist was so focussed and serious and not be so selfish –zonse zikhale zake eti, kuli matendatu, chindoko, mabomu, kanyera etc.

When the news that he had won the race reached everyone we all asked " how come?".When they broke up we all said 'Timadziwa'.

Remember the flag thief who claims to be a rasta and doesnt wear any other pants but 'ma fleya'?

Word has reached us that when he was asked why the girl had dumped him he replied, with a smile, 'kaya komabe ndinamugona ka 8'.

The question we are asking is, did he have a tally sheet? Koma ndiye ka 8 kokha? What do you think?

Once upon a time MZUNI used to be viewed along the lines of "one of those tertiary institutions" devoid of blessings and stuff like that. Thank Goodness MZUNI is at last richly, abundantly and incomparably blessed as manifested in the merry-making event we've all witnessed lately.

You'll recall that the silver-tongued DJ Mzungu, who happens to bestowed with the unmatched talent of kufunsira azungu - if ever that's anything to write home about- kissed the institution good bye.

The development extinguished the fun-lust in the hearts of many as no one within reach could fill the groovy-maker’s cabin behind the mic. Nonetheless, while groom was seemingly gaining ground in the faces of the fun- thirsty, the gods finally smiled on MZUNI’s entertainment fraternity as the gawky, patchily bearded DJ Flexaform walked into MZUNI campus, seemingly to take the place of the controversially ousted apology of a DJ.

In fact Flexaform is not only here to do what we believe he can do beyond reproach– Deejaying. Mzuni Gossip has learnt that he is here to study for a “masters degree”-in vichi kwali? In addition, this site gathers that he’s decided to retrace his footprints back to MZUNI apparently to rekindle the waned relationship with abiti alafuledi, currently a MZUNI student

Word has it that the babe was going out with some forestry guy who, upon meeting Dj Flexafoam, said, kodi kudya mkazi wanu ndi kulakwa?

Rumours are rife that the guy who is just as short as Chinyumba but is a bit plump has been given the sack. The question is; who will fill his shoes for they appear to be new due to the fact that he has worn them for less than a year.

Akulu akulu a VC alusa! I hope the crazy mathematician will not be sacked! Anthu akuti nkhani yake ndi ya SSTIP. Do you remember what the lecturer with the ugly wife did?

He is no mzekemzeke. He is not a ninja. He is not in mzuzu. He is at home!

He wont be with us next semester!

The question is; who will be spinning the hits for us? who is gonna make us dance ku disco?

The big question is; who will sleep with the finnish girl when she comes back to malawi(she is coming back!)

The biggest question is; who will have the courage to date caucasian girls(akhiwa)? Frankly speaking that guy must either be silver tongued or amawakanika matchiki achikuda(remember contestant no 6?).

Koma akuti ndi wa mvunguti!

Am out!

We do not know if the standards have gone down or what the cause of 96 people writing supp is.
Maybe people were so busy with kugonana they did not have time for their books.
Nanga nchani? How can we have 96 as the number of Mzekezekes?

Before i forget, if you just join the mzekezekes during lunch or supper you might think that musu is up to something kuti mwina they've come for a meeting. A good number of them. Deferred exams? Why am i thinking otherwise?

Use condoms everytime you want to have sex. The fact that someone is at a University does not prevent them from being HIV positive.

It is sad that the well known prof. will not be drinking with that pimple face. May his soul rest in eternal peace.

Check out the most photographed part of our University!

Everybody (now a mzuni student), at some point in their life, wanted to go to unima but due to fate,luck or other reasons found themselves at mzuni. Do you think mzuni is a better university than some constituent colleges of the university of Malawi?

We would like to thank you for logging on to our website. It is our hope that we will maintain the billing that the website has promised to give its readers. You may wish to know that we are creating this website so that we can enjoy ourselves at mzuni by letting other people know what our close friends are up to. Watch this space.